Road Trip, Cheese, and Breathing on the Glass
by Cranky Cathe
Summary: For some reason, Yugi and friends are traveling to California (don't ask how so in only an SUV). Hilarity (or lack thereof) ensues. Shounen ai, stupidity, a hint of random, very OOC-ness, it could be AU, and everyone-bashing. Yay.
1. It's true, cheese IS a controlling subst...

TITLE × Road Trip, Cheese, and Breathing on the Glass  
RATING × R for language  
GENRE × Humor  
SUMMARY × For some reason, Yugi and friends are traveling to California (don't ask how so in only an SUV). Hilarity (or lack thereof) ensues.  
WARNINGS × Shounen ai, stupidity, a hint of random, very OOC-ness, it could be AU, and everyone-bashing. Yay.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE ××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××   
  
Look! I finally got a muse! *holds up a rubber chicken* Everybody say 'hi' to Calculator!  
  
Calculator: ...  
  
Eeeeeehhehehehe. I think I killed him. o.O;;;;;;;;;;;;;;  
  
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××   
  
DISCLAIMER × Yu-Gi-Oh © copyright 1996 Kazuki Takahashi. All rights reserved. Blah-de-blah-de-blah. -_-;;  
  
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××   
  
It was a sunny day. The sky was blue. Birds were chirping and monkeys were flying. Everything seemed ordinary, and for some strange asinine reason, most of the cast of Yu-Gi-Oh were riding in a neon pink SUV heading for California (heeeeeere we cooome).  
  
"Hey, Joey," said Tristan.  
  
"Yah?" answered the blonde.  
  
"I like cheese."  
  
"Me, too. What kin'a cheese d'ya like?"  
  
"I like cheese."  
  
"Eh, Tristan. Yah tol' me dat ahready. Cheese's good. Nouh stop?"  
  
"........."  
  
"Dat's beddah."  
  
"I like cheese."  
  
Something in Joey snapped and forced him to join. "Me too."  
  
"I like cheese."  
  
"Me too."  
  
"I like cheese."  
  
"Me too."  
  
"I like cheese."  
  
"Me too."  
  
"I like--"  
  
"FOR THE LOVE OF PETE AND ALL THINGS THAT ARE PINK AND FAT AND UGLY WILL YOU TWO BOYS SHUT THE FUCK UP?!?!?!" yelled Téa, brandishing her fist over the two teenagers sharing the backseat with her.  
  
".....whimper...."  
  
"That's better," she said with a smug smile. Leaning back and savoring the sweet taste of silence, she began to think about how it all happen.  
  
############### flashback (cue horror movie screams) ###############  
  
It was before lunchtime when it happened. Téa was walking down the hallway from Geometry toward the cafeteria to meet her friends and have lunch when she heard an annoying high-pitched shrieking from behind her.  
  
"Téa! Téa! Look what I gots!!!" cried an enthusiastic Yugi.  
  
"Yeah, Yugi?" The brunette turned to the smaller boy running toward her.  
  
"CHEESE!" he said, holding out wedges of Laughing Cow™ brand spread cheese. Téa sweatdropped. "Oh yeah, and I gots something else!"  
  
"....yeah?"  
  
"Grandpa's permission to go on a ROAD TRIP!!!" Yugi thrust a fist into the air Ash Ketchum style and jumped two feet off the cheap school floor tile.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I don't know. He said something about two-cent whores and stag parties, but who cares! Let's go tell the others!" He ran off toward the lunch area, leaving an exasperated Téa behind.  
  
"Yugi, wait! I'm coming after you!"  
  
############### end flashback (everybody's happy now! yay.) ###############  
  
"Sshhh, don't wake her up," said Ryou from the seat in front of them, holding a finger up to lips. He motioned animatedly towards Téa, who had fallen asleep during flashbacking.  
  
"Don't shush me, Ryou, I din't say anydin' yet! It's Tristan ovah here who's shittin' 'bou' cheese!" Joey motioned to his dark-skinned friend, who was clutching his arm.  
  
"Cheese... I NEED CHEESE!!! Pleeeeeeeeease, Joey?! I... need... cheese...." Tristan tried giving Joey the puppy-dog eyes, miserably failing and looking like a hobo who sniffed up too much coke.  
  
"Yah look like a hobo who sniffed up t'much coke," Tristan's new clutch-buddy told him.  
  
"Cheese..." he whimpered in reply. "Cheese!" He then began the pleasant task of sobbing into Joey's jacket and soaking it with tears.  
  
"Will you make him shut up! I'm getting tired of his cheese ranting! Somebody feed the bitch a piece of cheese or something!" yelled Yami from next to Ryou.  
  
"Cheese?" said the pathetic likkle toddler-acting-like teenager cuddled awkwardly up to his best friend.  
  
"Ow! Yah hair is poking me! Fine, yah get cheese," the annoyed Joey drew a slice of American out from his pocket.  
  
"Cheese!!!"  
  
"I'm bored!" whined Yugi from the front seat. "I can't talk with you guys good because I'm stuck in the front seat and to talk with you guys I have to turn my neck and that really hurts!!!"  
  
"Yeah, whatever, Yugi," everyone else replied, audibly yawning. "Yaaaaaaaaaaaaawn......."  
  
"You guys are mean! Remember, I'm the one that got us all here and you all have to listen to me!" He cackled maniacally. This scared the crap out of everyone.  
  
"I see dead people!" cried Téa suddenly, scaring the crap out of everyone (again). "Oops... um, hi everyone!" She waved uncertainly at the group of boys staring at her frightenedly.  
  
"You snore," said Ryou simply.  
  
Téa's head sprouted horns and grew to more than eighty times its original size. "WHY YOU LIDDLE---"  
  
"Let's all play a game!" interrupted Yugi. "SPOT THE CAR!!!"  
  
"Spot da car? As in, spot da coirtin colah o' car? Or make o' car?" queried Joey.  
  
"No!" Yugi shook his head vigorously. "Spot THE car! Any car!"  
  
"There's a car!" cried Téa overzealously, leaning her face against the window so her breath would condense on the glass. "Oooh, drawing on my breath! Fun!" And she spent most of the rest of the car ride doing just that.  
  
"I see a car!" yelled Yugi. "And another car... and another one, and there's one too!!! Oh look!!! A car, and there's a car, and a car over there too!"  
  
"And over there's a car, and behind that one is another car, and, oh crikey! There's a car!" said Ryou, joining in the fun.  
  
"I spot a car too!!!" shouted Joey, pointing out the window.  
  
"That's a VAN, you shithead," commented Tristan, smacking the blonde upside the head.  
  
"Ow, what's that fer, yah moron?!?!"  
  
"Fight! Fight! Fight!" The other three boys chanted. Téa was too busy drawing on the windowpanes with her left index finger. Yeah, the one with the cheap plastic ring from a vending machine outside of Kmart, but no one cares for details anyway.  
  
A few bitchslaps later...  
  
"Man Joey, you stink at everything! You stink at Duel Monsters, you stink at anal fucking, you stink at eating enough triple fudge brownie ice cream to puke..."  
  
"It's huh-rediddy," Joey sobbed in reply.  
  
"How nice. Now gimme all your CHEESE!!!"  
  
"No! Yah can't do dat! Not da cheese!!!"  
  
"Uhh... you guys? I need to... ahem," said Yami embarrassedly.  
  
"Can't you hold?" Yugi was annoyed. They had just passed a rest stop.  
  
Yami held up two fingers.  
  
".....oh... Hey Mistah Driver Man!!! We needa stop cus Yami needa SHIT!" Yugi poked the guy in the driver's seat.  
  
"Wha-?! Ah dis time we be sittin' in dis cah, we din't evin know who was drivan'?!" Joey was indignant. "Who IS drivin' anywayz?"  
  
The driver turned his head.  
  
"Hello, puppy dog."  
  
"DUCKIES!!!" Mokuba popped out from behind the backseat where was was stuffed with the suitcases.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Dis is a NIGHTMARE!!!" This time it was Joey's turn to sob into his friend's jacket.  
  
"Aww, poor Joey," murmured Tristan, tracing circles on his friend's back with a lecherous grin on his face.  
  
"I still hafta go!!!" yelled Yami.  
  
"AAAHH!!! Kaiba, you jackass, watch the road!!!" cried Ryou as the vehicle neared the edge of a precipice.  
  
"Huh?" Kaiba turned around. "Oops, my bad..." He jerked the steering wheel hard and everyone fell against the right side of the van.  
  
"...ouch..."  
  
Mokuba hopped over the backseat into Téa's lap. "Hiya!"  
  
"Hi! What's up?" asked Téa in the middle of writing 'Téa rules!!!'  
  
"I like you, you're nice!" the little boy said with an impish grin as he caught Téa in a bear hug.  
  
Kaiba turned around to face them. "Mokuba! Do not make friends with the enemy!!!"  
  
"Kaiba, you stupid bitch! KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD!!!" Ryou warned Kaiba of the upcoming railing.  
  
"Gah!" The forgetful CEO again, swerved, tilting the van to a 45° angle. Everyone fell against the other side of the SUV.  
  
"...oof..."  
  
As he was squished by Ryou against the window, Yami noticed a rest stop. "Rest stop! Gotta stop!!!"  
  
"Do I gotta?" whined Kaiba, immediately evoking glares from everyone in the car. "Fine." He stopped and let Yami run off to do his... business.  
  
"Let's leave him behind!" cried Tristan in a total fit of inspiration. It must've been the cheese.  
  
"What a great idea!" Kaiba floored the acceleration pedal and drove off. "MUAHAHAhahahahaaa..." he laughed, freaking everyone else out.  
  
"Ooooookay..." stated Téa. A few moments later, they could hear the cry of an angry Yami piercing the atmosphere.  
  
"I'll geeeeeeeeeeeeeet yooooooooooooooooou!!!!!!!!!! And your little dog toooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××  
  
o.O;;;;;; Eheheh, I better stick to web designin'. Oh well. Review, or my dear lil Calculator will go over to your house and strangle you!!!  
  
Calculator: ...  
  
Aww, isn't he the cutest. ^__________^ Ha. Ha. Ha.  
  
-Now if you'd all click the lil purple button there...- 


	2. Duckies are cute, AND you can eat them, ...

TITLE × Road Trip, Cheese, and Breathing on the Glass  
RATING × R for language  
GENRE × Humor  
SUMMARY × For some reason, Yugi and friends are traveling to California (don't ask how so in only an SUV). Hilarity (or lack thereof) ensues.  
WARNINGS × Shounen ai, stupidity, a hint of random, very OOC-ness, it could be AU, and everyone-bashing. Yay.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE ××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××   
  
Okay, Calculator didn't work out. *points to the decapitated rubber chicken in the background. I have no idea what happened!!! Imma just gotta hafta blame Joey. Bad chihuahua!!!  
  
Joey: Wha-- HEY!!!!!!!!!!!! O  
  
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××   
  
DISCLAIMER × I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, but my sister has a Yugi Starter Deck! She gave the Celtic Guardian away to a friend, so I bought a Japanese Shallow Grave magic card from a vending machine and added it to the deck! That counts... right? ^^;;  
  
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××   
  
############### flashback (oh dearie-me!) ###############  
  
"Let's leave him behind!" cried Tristan in a total fit of inspiration. It must've been the cheese.  
  
"What a great idea!" Kaiba floored the acceleration pedal and drove off. "MUAHAHAhahahahaaa..." he laughed, freaking everyone else out.  
  
"Ooooookay..." stated Téa. A few moments later, they could hear the cry of an angry Yami piercing the atmosphere.  
  
"I'll geeeeeeeeeeeeeet yooooooooooooooooou!!!!!!!!!! And your little dog toooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
############### end flashback (yeah yeah, enough wastin' space.) ###############  
  
"Did 'e jest call meh a lil dog?!?!" asked Joey, indignant.  
  
"Aw don't worry Joey! I'll protect ya!!!" said Tristan in reply, hugging him.  
  
"Gaw, getchur hands offah meh! What dat cheese do ta ya?!" Joey shouted in horror, pushing his friend off him.  
  
"Ow! Joey, I'll get you for that!" cried Téa as Tristan fell against her in a crumpled heap. Mokuba, sensing the tension in the backseat, jumped over the second seat into Ryou's lap.  
  
"Hey Ryou!" He split his face in half with an ear-to-ear grin. C'mon everybody, in 3, 2, 1... Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww........!!!  
  
"Why, g'day to you too, chap! Isn't it just wonderful this mornin', love?" answered Ryou in his nonexistent British accent.  
  
Kaiba (again) stupidly turned his head away from the road to face Ryou and Mokuba. "What have I told you with aquainting yourself with the enemy?!?!"  
  
"KAAAAAAIIIIBAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ryou screamed in a prissy-sissy-girly-scream.  
  
Kaiba whipped his head back round, just to avoid the obstacle at the last second by flooring the brake. Hard.  
  
The van's rear end flew up six feet, enough to have everyone's head bump against the ceiling. Everyone but Yugi that is, because he's so short it would take more force than a 6.7 Richter scale earthquake to make him fly up that high.  
  
"Hey! That's not nice," Yugi cried.  
  
Too bad. Life's tough, you'll live through it.  
  
Yugi's lower lip flew out in a pout and trembled.  
  
Anyways, where were we? Ah, yes, the obstacle. A mile long line of fuzzy little duckies were crossing the street... Uh oh, that means...  
  
"DUCKIES!!!" Mokuba, the duck-crazed adolescent flew out of the SUV faster than you can yell in a corny Kiyone-voice "Galaxy Police Force! Freeze!" and started gathering the cute yellow little baby ducks in his arms and clothing.  
  
"Quack!" "Peep!" "Squeak!" "Honk!" "Arf... I mean, uh, Quack!"  
  
"Mokuba, put those ducks down!" Kaiba and the others got out of the vehicle to join the boy.  
  
"Oh, they're so cute!" Téa picked one up in her hand and cuddled it up to her face. "Ow! It bit my nose!"  
  
"Aye, Tristan, ya know wad I'm dinkin'?" Joey glanced over at Tristan.  
  
Tristan licked his lips. "Ooooh yeaaah..."  
  
"Sauteed duck breast..."  
  
"Peking duck..."  
  
"Duck soup..."  
  
"Preserved duck egg-flavored porridge..."  
  
"What are you boys doing?!" a policeman cried, scaring the shit out of several gray and yellow ducklings splashing around in a puddle of Tristan and Joey's saliva.  
  
"Wha-? Oh yechh!" Joey took a live peeper out of his mouth; it flew out of his hand and off to join its mummy dearest.  
  
"You three boys are going against local ordinance 62, collecting live ducks out of their natural habitat. I'm gonna have to arrest all of you." The law enforcer wrote something down on a ticket and tore it off his pad. "Hey... you kids get back here!"  
  
"Suckeeerrrrrrrrrr!" Several teenagers stuck their tongue out and pulled their eyelids at him from the window on the back of a certain sports utility vehicle, which was now speeding down the road at 100 miles per hour and leaving a cloud of dust. (Run-on sentences! Fun-ness!)  
  
"Gosh darnit, they got away!" The policeman bent down to pet a baby duck. "Heeey, they're pretty cute!" Looking in all directions, the guy put one of the fluffiest in his hat, and got back on his motorcycle. He sped off in the opposite direction of the van.  
  
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××  
  
"853 wedges of cheese on the wall, 853 wedges of cheeeeeeese!!! You take one down and pass it around, and now you have 852 wedges of cheese on the wall!" everyone but Seto sang.  
  
"Stop it! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!! I've kept this up for 147 cheese wedges, but it ends right NOW! NOW!!!!!!!" Kaiba yelled, facing them.  
  
"Kaiba! The road, the road!!!" Ryou shouted.  
  
"AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! WHAT NOW!!!!!" He put on the brakes immediately.  
  
"I see golden arches!" Ryou said in reply. Everyone sweatdropped and fell down anime-style.  
  
"We love to see you smile!" sang Mokuba as they all got out of the car and into McDonald's. Kaiba ordered while everyone else tried to find a seat. They ended up taking two booths, Téa, Tristan, Joey, Yugi and Ryou in one, and the Kaiba brothers in a smaller one.  
  
"Fries!!!" Joey stuck fries up his nose and in his ears. "Bloopity bloopity bloopity blaaaah!!!" he warbled.  
  
"Joey, you're so immature!" Téa smacked him upside the head. The fries flew onto the floor.  
  
"Nooooooo!!! Whadda waste o' fries!" He bent down to pick them up, only to have Tristan take it out from his fingers. "Heeey! Dose ah MAH fries!"  
  
"Were," said the smug spike-headed boy as he chomped down on them.  
  
"Ewwwwww.........." said everyone else, grossed out.  
  
Yeah, they ate, blah blah blah. Oh yeah, and in case you were wondering, Tristan had a Double Cheeseburger. CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE!!! Sorry.  
  
After they ate, Mokuba and Yugi ran off to play in the playplace while the rest just rambled around bored. Seto grabbed Joey for a 'man-to-man' talk and they sat down in a two-seater, facing each other.   
  
"Joey..." Kaiba started off in a weak voice. He cleared his voice and started over again. "Joey... this is hard to say but... I need something of yours."  
  
"Somedang o' mines? What wouldja want from meh?" asked Joey.  
  
"I'll pay anything you ask. I promise," he took the confused blonde's hands in his own slender fingers and leaned in closer to Joey's face.  
  
"Joey..." He paused, for suspense, for emphasis, or to enjoy the sensation of Joey's breath on his face, Ra only knows. "I want you... to give me..."  
  
"Hey Joey!!!" A yellow playball bounced off Joey's messed up hair.  
  
"Wha-- Tristan! I'll getchu fer dat!" Joey ran off toward his friend to start a ball war.  
  
"Damn..." Seto leaned back against the uncomfortable plastic seat and massaged his temples. "Looks like I'll never get to his Red Eyes Black Dragon."  
  
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××  
  
"Stupid boys. Getting us kicked out of McDonald's..." Téa grumbled.  
  
"Well, it's not like we'll ever get to this one ever again. I mean, we are a long long way from home," Tristan shrugged off the matter. Joey nodded in agreement.  
  
"Where are we anyways?" wondered Yugi.  
  
Kaiba peered down at the map he held in his hands. "Looks like we're somewhere in the lush forests of South America..."  
  
"Yah moron! Yer holdin' dah map upside-down!" Joey grabbed the paper out of his grasp. "Wuh in dah US, s'all I kin tell."  
  
"Who cares?" said Ryou. "Anyways, the sky's getting dark. We should find a hotel to stay or something."  
  
"Wha-?! Howddat happ'n?! We jest et lunch!" Joey said, his jaw dropping.  
  
"Hmm... Maybe it has something to do with the fact this is being written by a person who doesn't care about realism in the fic," said Téa sadly.  
  
"Uhh... yah."  
  
"Or maybe it's just time zones."  
  
".....Yah, that too."  
  
"Hey, lookit there, everybody! A hotel!" Mokuba pointed to a hotel behind them that was conveniently placed where McDonald's was a few minutes ago. It was all dark and creepy and lightning flashed behind it, lighting up the caved-in porch and boarded windows. Think Scooby-Doo.  
  
A black cat ran by, "Rrrryaaow!!!"  
  
"Ugh... Do we really have to go into THAT?" asked Tristan.  
  
"Are you SCARED, Tristan?" teased Yugi.  
  
"Am not! Let's go!" He marched over to the porch and looked at it skeptically. There was an awkward silence, apparently he was making up his mind.  
  
"Scaredy-caaaaaaaaaaaaat..." Yugi sang softly.  
  
"I am NOT a kitty! I'll wipe that smirk off your face, you just watch!" yelled Tristan, sounding a disturbingly lot like Joey. He jumped onto the porch...  
  
and fell through the floor.  
  
"Tristan!!!" cried everybody watching, their eyebrows shooting ten feet off their head. A sickening thud -clearly the end of the fall- cut Tristan's scream into pieces, then, silence.  
  
"Well, now we HAVE to lodge in that hotel," Yugi pointed out.  
  
"Aaaaaaaaaaargh, Imma kill Tristan fer dis!!!" shouted Joey.  
  
"Yeah," said Téa, "but at least he showed us where not to step."  
  
"Oh, yeah... danks, Tristan!" said Joey.  
  
The door creaked open, inviting them in. Seto led the way into the lobby, taking note of the threadbare carpet, the faded wallpaper and the cobwebs in the corner. 'Huh, I could demolish this area and build some public duelist arenas—'  
  
SLAM!!!  
  
"The door!!!" cried Téa, hugging onto an uncomfortable Ryou.  
  
'No duh, thanks for pointing out the obvious,' thought the silver-haired boy as he tapped the cool looking nub on top of the dome on the bell that makes it go 'ding.' He turned to the bead-covered doorway behind the counter and gasped.  
  
"Hello my friends, how is your day?" said the mime, a crooked smile on his powder-covered face. Well, he would've said that if he wasn't a mime, but he was, and y'all know how mimes are.  
  
"Uhh, we'd like three rooms, please," stammered Yugi.  
  
The mime elaborately waved his hand about, holding up one finger (no, he's not flippin' them off, peoples). He then jumped, landed on the ball of one foot, and fell sideways.  
  
"Oh, I know dis one... Umm, uhh... a fish went inta yah pants an' yah fainted!!!" said Joey triumphantly. Everyone fell anime-style.  
  
"No, you moron! He said there was only one room left, all the others have collapsed!" said Téa, hitting him upside the head.  
  
"Well, let's go then!!!" cried the ever-cheerful Mokuba, grabbing the key from the mime and skipping off to their assigned room.  
  
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××  
  
What horrors will face the Digidestined in the decadent hotel? Wait wrong show, umm... Yeah, like, what will happen next? In the place, I mean. So like, and where's Tristan? And Yami? Like, stay tuned for the next stupid chapter of this stupid fic, but first youse gotta stupidly click the stupid lil stupid button and stupidly tell stupid me how stupid this stupid fic was. Got that? Good... stupid. 


	3. The Haunted House Mansion Hotel Thingy!

TITLE × Road Trip, Cheese, and Breathing on the Glass  
RATING × R for language  
GENRE × Humor  
SUMMARY × For some reason, Yugi and friends are traveling to California (don't ask how so in only an SUV). Hilarity (or lack thereof) ensues.  
WARNINGS × Shounen ai, stupidity, a hint of random, very OOC-ness, it could be AU, and everyone-bashing. Yay.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE ×××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××  
  
Wow, Chapter three... I thought I'd NEVER get started on this... so, writing this at 10 in the morning (that's VERY early for me!) the writing quality will be a little low... Aww, who'm I kidd'n' the writing quality always IS low!!! So like, stop reading this and start readin' the fanfic, y'alls!  
  
THREE DAYS LATER UPDATE × Uh, some things I gotta warn you against- there's no shounen ai (implications or otherwise) in this chapter... *people throw things at her* Ow!!! The PAAAAAAAIN!!! Um... enjoy?  
  
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××  
  
DISCLAIMER × I don't get it. What is the POINT of writing this stupid thing? Ehh, better safe than sorry. I don't own Fanta, Yu-Gi-Oh, McDonald's, Charlie's Angels, Scooby-Doo, Laughing Cow cheese (yummie!!!), Pokémon, Digimon, Pampers diapers, the Stinky Cheese Man, or any other registered trademark I've mentioned in all and any of the chapters.  
  
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××  
  
############### flashbacks (more than one?! dear Ra, no!!!) ###############  
  
"Quack!" "Peep!" "Squeak!" "Honk!" "Arf... uh, I mean, Quack!"  
  
"Mokuba, put those ducks down!" Kaiba and the others got out of the vehicle to join the boy.  
  
# switch #  
  
"We love to see you smile!" sang Mokuba as they all got out of the car and into McDonald's. Kaiba ordered while everyone else tried to find a seat. They ended up taking two booths, Téa, Tristan, Joey, Yugi and Ryou in one, and the Kaiba brothers in a smaller one.  
  
# switch #  
  
"Joey..." He paused, for suspense, for emphasis, or to enjoy the sensation of Joey's breath on his face, Ra only knows. "I want you... to give me..."  
  
# switch #  
  
"I am NOT a kitty! I'll wipe that smirk off your face, you just watch!" yelled Tristan, sounding a disturbingly lot like Joey. He jumped onto the porch...  
  
and fell through the floor.  
  
# switch #   
  
"Well, let's go then!!!" cried the ever-cheerful Mokuba, grabbing the key from the mime and skipping off to their assigned room.  
  
############### end flashbacks (well, that was completely random!) ###############  
  
'All of us, sharing one room... I don't think we're going to survive this road trip,' thought Ryou as the group walked down a barely-lit corridor.  
  
"169B, 169B... aha! Here it is!" Mokuba and friends entered the room, and gasped.  
  
Two plump, fresh-smelling beds with velvet canopies sat in two corners of the room. A door to the left led to a shiny-new bathroom, complete with jacuzzi. The shag rug smelled of jasmine and eau de toilette. And, in the middle of it all...  
  
a table full of grub.  
  
"MY GAAAAAAWD!!! WUH'RE 'N PARADISE!!!" Joey sang, immediately digging in.  
  
"I am... sort of hungry," said Ryou, joining the taller boy.  
  
"Yeah! Even though we just ate lunch, haha..." Téa agreed.  
  
"Too bad Tristan ain'ts here, BUT NOBODY CARES!!" Yugi submitted into the group of teenagers messing up the carpet.  
  
"Big brother... can I?" said Mokuba, looking up at Seto with big teary eyes.  
  
"Yes, you can... but I've already lost my appetite looking at these losers. Go join them, I'm going out to examine the car and look for any damage," he replied as he walked out the doorway...  
  
and fell through a hole in the middle of the corridor.  
  
"BIG BROTHER!!!" Mokuba ran out to catch a glimpse of his big brother falling down the pit.  
  
"K-kaiba?" asked Joey uncertainly.  
  
Téa stared. "He's... gone... j-just like Tristan."  
  
"What kind of stupid game is this?" Yugi whispered.  
  
Then, suddenly, with a clash and a boom, the lights went out.  
  
"It's a blackout!" they heard Téa say.  
  
"Naaaaaw, REALLY?!" Ryou's unusually sarcastic voice sounded out, followed by a disgusted snort.  
  
As if responding to Ryou, the lamps fluttered on again, revealing several very freaked-out teenagers piled on Mokuba.  
  
"Uhh... you guys, can you get off? I think I'm suffocating..." he managed out.  
  
Everyone else sweatdropped. "Sorry, Mokuba!" they said in unison, stepping off the boy.  
  
"That's a lot better. Back to the food?"  
  
"Okay!" The teenagers turned back to the luxury room and saw a room that was the epitome of all the cheap, cockroach-infested apartments in the gloomy parts of town.  
  
"Whaddafuck?! Whay'r's da gruuuuub?!" Joey sobbed.  
  
Téa put her hand to her mouth in surprise. "It was all an illusion!"  
  
"I'm still hungray... n'fact, I'm's hungray's I was 'foe dis hotel was hay'r!" whined Joey like the pooch he was.  
  
Ryou thought for a second and said, "I'm betting the food was an illusion too!"  
  
"Gaaaaaaaah!!!" Joey jumped up and down in a tantrum. "Dat's it! Imma find dat stupid mime an' set dings straight!!!" He went off in a huff.  
  
"Well, that was amusing. I'm tired, gonna hit the sack." Yugi stretched his arms over his head and yawned.  
  
"Dibs on the couch!" shouted Mokuba. He ran in the room and began jumping up and down on the couch in a feeble attempt to fluff it up.  
  
Téa groaned. "How can he be so happy about this?!"  
  
"We'll never know, Téa," Ryou said, shaking his head sadly. "We'll never know."  
  
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××  
  
"Ugh, my head... it feels like BURNING!!!" Tristan moaned. "Where the hell am I?" He studied his surroundings and concluded from his observations that he was... nowhere. Tristan's too stupid to conclude from his observations, whatever those are.  
  
The boy stood up and tried walking, but soon fell back down due to his ankle which was twisted from his earlier fall. A dusty bureau stood off to one side, accompanied by a torn sofa with springs jutting out from the fabric and one of its legs discarded. Tristan took a book off a nearby bookshelf and opened it.  
  
"Oooooh!!! The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales! This was my favorite book when I was a kid!" Tristan cried in joy. He opened the book directly to 'The Stinky Cheese Man,' plopped down on the sofa's only useable cushion, and began reading.  
  
Unfortunately, when books are read by semi-literate jackasses with funny hair, there's bound to be a word in there, somewhere, in which said jackass would be stuck on. Right in the middle of Jack introducing Little Red Riding Hood, such a word appeared.  
  
"Oh nooooo!!!" Tristan sobbed. Like Pegasus said, there is always a way to make people play your game, with the proper incentive or something like that. Now with motivation, Tristan stood up, folded the book, keeping his finger in his place, and limped off to find the others.  
  
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××  
  
"Yaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yawned Mokuba, opening his mouth reeeeeeeeally reeeeeeeeeeeeally wide. Awwwwwwwww, how cute. So anyways, he yawned, right? And that yawn woke Téa and Ryou up.  
  
"Mornin'!" said Ryou to the two... Wait, two? Where's Yugi??  
  
"Where's Yugi??" asked Téa.  
  
Heeey!!! I just said that!  
  
"Whoops. My bad." She rolled her eyes cynically.  
  
"Uhh, do we care?" said Mokuba. "Let's go exploring!!!" he cried cutely, and led the way outta the room, singing. "Flintstones! Meet the Flintstones! They're a something something faaaaaaamily!!!"  
  
Ryou and Téa groaned.  
  
A few gazillion corridors later.....  
  
"There is gloom and doom, when things go boooooooooooooom!!! In Dexter's-"  
  
Ryou finally broke down. "WHEN WILL THIS END?! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!" he shouted, tearing at his hair.  
  
"Lookit! A door!" sayeth the mighty Téa, pointeth-ing at a door at the end of the hall-eth.  
  
"THE EXIT!!!" Ryou began running feverishly towards the end of the hall, but...... WHAT'S THIS?! THE DOOR IS MOVING AWAY FROM HIM!!! "What?! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!" Realizing this was all hopeless, he purposely tripped and fell to the ground.  
  
"........" Téa walked the three feet to the door and opened it. "You really should stop drinking that tamarind candy shit."  
  
"Shut up," Ryou sobbed in reply.  
  
"-commander and the leader! Bubbles! She is the joy and the laughter! Buttercup!" sang Mokuba as he skipped out the open door. The teenagers sighed and followed him.  
  
It turned out they wandered onto the roof. It was a very daaaaaaaaaark roof, because... uh, it's still night. Well, see, it's like this- Mokuba woke up to pee and that was how he yawned, and that woke the other two up, then he found out it was all a false alarm, then they left the room to... because Ryou had to pee, and the bathroom previously adjoining the room... collapsed.  
  
"........."  
  
Yeah..... that's it.  
  
"Look! Gargoyles!" said Téa, pointing to the winged goblins lining the edge of the roof. "How PRETTY!" Stars came alive in her eyes and danced around. They found the situation boring and jumped back into her eye sockets. "Ow! That smarts!"  
  
"Pretty, Téa? Are you blind?!"   
  
"I am now..." replied Téa, rubbing furiously at her eyes, but Ryou ignored this and continued ranting.  
  
"Those things are the ugliest wrecks I've ever seen! I've seen better faces on the rear end of a cow with diarrhea! Whoever sculpted them must've used his feet! What are you smoking, Téa?! Pretty?! These gargoyles are grotesque!!!"  
  
"Dude, that's, like, harsh!" said one of the gargoyles.  
  
"Yah, that is like, totally grody to the max!" a female one shouted.  
  
"We ain't takin' none of this bull, man!" finished another gargoyle.  
  
"ATTACK!!!" The gargoyles leapt for the three teenagers.  
  
Suddenly, the theme to Charlie's Angels came on. Naaaaaa ne naaah!!! Nanah ne naaaa ne naaaaaaaah!!!  
  
"Angels!" bellowed a voice from the sky. "Meet your adversary... the GARGOYLES!!!"  
  
"Heeeeeeeyaah!!!" said Téa, Ryou and Mokuba, suddenly decked out in shades, microminis, tiny tops, and really high boots. They started some bogus-looking kung-fu shit and pretty soon, the gargoyles were history.  
  
Um, actually I'm kidding about that.  
  
The gargoyles tied up their captives and locked them all into a storage room a few floors down.  
  
"Hey, sweetcheeks, howsabout me and you go somewhere... alone?" a gargoyle looking, sounding, and *bleugh* smelling a lot like Happosai [1] crooned.  
  
"I don't date stone statues covered in pigeon shit!" snapped Téa, her earlier allegation of prettiness vanished.  
  
"Not you, bitch, I was talking to the small one with the ebony hair, the fuck-me boots, and the luscious, luscious pretty pink lips."  
  
"......." Mokuba stared blankly at the pervert slowly advancing on him.  
  
"HANDS OFF MY BROTHER!!!" came a voice from nowhere.  
  
"What the hell was that?!" said a bunch of people/gargoyles.  
  
"HANDS OFF MY BROTHER!!!" the voice shouted again.  
  
"Aaaaaaah!!!" said the bunch.  
  
"HANDS OFF MY BR-" the voice stopped with a little click.  
  
"Jahst ah stahpid tahpe raycahdah..." said a gargoyle. She held up a tape recorder to the other members of her species. "Lahks lahk sahm ahve thahr frahnds ah ahrahnd." [2]  
  
"Grr! Stupid thing!" said the horny gargoyle. He turned back to their captives to see that they had escaped. "Gaah! I knew that Kunai with Chain that blondie and that albino sold us was defective!"  
  
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××  
  
Wanna know how they escaped?  
  
Okay, here's what happened.  
  
"HANDS OFF MY BROTHER!!!" the voice shouted again.  
  
"Aaaaaaah!!!" said the bunch.  
  
"Here's our chance!" whispered Ryou to his friends. He had quickly devised a plan once the recording had started. "Téa, you like dancing?"  
  
"Oh wow!" said the girl, the stupid-looking stars returning to her eyes. "I LOVE DANCING!"  
  
"Shhsh! Not so loud!"  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Can you show us some of your favorite moves?" asked Ryou sweetly.  
  
"Okay, sure!!! This," she bent her legs, "is a plié." Some of the chains came loose. "This," she mimed leaping, "is a jété!" More of the chains came loose. "And this!" she spun; the rest of the chains came off, "is a pirouette!!! Did you like it?" She turned to Ryou and Mokuba, who were about a million miles away, running as if their lives depended on it (and it probably did, too.) "Wait for me!!!" Téa followed. [3]  
  
Then the gargoyles finished yapping and saw them gone. The end.  
  
Well, maybe not the end.  
  
Let's go to one of our favorite characters!!!  
  
"ZzZzZzZzZzZz..." slept the mime. [4]  
  
Uh, okay.  
  
COMMERCIAL BREAK, THEN!!!  
  
"We love to see you smile!!!"  
  
"I'm a big kid now!!!"  
  
"Fanta, fanta, dontcha wanna?!!"  
  
"All new battles! All new Pokémon! You gotta catch 'em all!!!"  
  
END COMMERCIAL BREAK!!!  
  
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××  
  
"Hah hah hah!!! This is veeeeeery amusing!!! Hah hah hah!!!" the stupid guy laughed stupidly, making all, if any, stupid listeners stupidly cringe. "Hah hah hah!!! I wonder what dear old Seto Kaiba is doing!!! Hah hah hah!!!" In laughing stupidly he stupidly slapped his stupid knees too stupid hard. "Ow!!! Hah hah hah!!!  
  
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××  
  
"What the..." said Kaiba, looking around the very bare room he was in. "How to get out of this place?" It was your typical small room, a closet, perhaps, except it had no doors or windows, the ceiling was veiled in shadow, and the source of light was unascertained.  
  
Seto rubbed a hand lightly against one wall, grimacing as whitewash powdered his fingertips. Where he touched, a flap opened and a small canary-yellow teddy bear tumbled out and fell on Seto's shoes.  
  
"Gampa?" sniffed the stuffed bear. He turned his button eyes to the human above him, who was wide-eyed at seeing a teddy bear that could talk. "Are you my Gampa?" he lisped, cocking his head cutely.  
  
"Um, no, I am not your Gampa," Seto said shortly, startling a bit when he recognized the bear's voice as Yugi's, an infantile Yugi, but Yugi nevertheless. Where the fuck was he?!  
  
"G-gampa...!" The teddy burst out in chokes and sobs and began to wail.  
  
The glass of Seto's locket cracked.  
  
Trying to prevent any more glass breaking, the brunette bent down as well as he could to meet the poor bear's eyes. "D-don't cry," he said hoarsely, not used to the words coming out of his mouth. Seto cleared his throat. "We'll find your Grandpa soon, and he'll be okay."  
  
A slight shuffle indicated yet another presence was joining the pity party. A scrawny long-haired chihuahua crawled out of a hole in the corner that wasn't there before.  
  
"Doggy!" gasped the bear. He buried his head in Seto's hands out of fright. Seto habitually held the bear closer to himself.  
  
The puppy whined at the sight of the two-people? creatures?-now staring at him. He turned his head to the wall in apology at intruding.  
  
"My gods... Joey?" gasped Seto.  
  
"Rrr...!" the dog growled in reply.  
  
Seto blanched slightly and glared at the puppy through slitted eyes. "Mutt..."  
  
A Raggedy Ann doll with swarthy hair cut short clambered from behind the dog. "WAAAAH!!!" it yowled lividly, its beady eyes gleaming enviously at Kaiba. At the sight of the toy, Yugi-bear deserted him, toddled over to her, and hugged Raggedy Téa.  
  
A fluttering of wings sounded and a small mockingbird landed on his shoulder and began to hop around, singing. Some of its farcical squawks and squalls sounded a lot like the words, "Big brother, big brother, big brother!!!" Of course, this was Mokuba.  
  
"Ryoaw!!!" a pair of kittens mewed as they clambered out of a door behind Seto. The chocolate wirehair hissed at the dog in animalistic rivalry, while the white British shorthair amused itself by pawing at the cuff of Seto's pants.  
  
"Hmm," Seto mused. "The two cats must be Tristan and Bakura... well, I always thought Bakura was the bunny kind, preferably of the Playgirl ilk."  
  
"Chyuu!" said Bakura, screwing up its face in disdain. He padded conspicuously away from Seto as if from a malodor and sat down near where Tristan and Joey were fraying. Hitherto, Tristan had the upper hand, but Joey was fighting a worthy battle.  
  
Unbeknownst to the happy family until it was too late, the murkiness on the ceiling had slipped down the walls and was slowly shrouding the group. Realizing this trouble, Seto sat up quickly, caused Mokuba to fall off his shoulder. The animals/dolls melted into the floor, crying pitiously for help, but Kaiba half-hearted reaches were in vain as all light disappeared and the only thing he could see was a charcoal-black of nothingness.  
  
"Hey Kaiba!!!"   
  
The hell-?! Seto turned swiftly in all directions but could see nothing... wait, what was that...? A flash of red denim...  
  
"Hey Kaiba!!! Hey Kaiba!!!"  
  
A pink overgrown hare bounded over to Seto, who was facing the wrong direction. With a sinister chuckle, it whapped his back, causing him to fall on his face.  
  
"Hey Kaiba!!! Hey Kaiba!!! Hey Kaiba!!! Hey Kaiba!!! Hey Kaiba!!!"  
  
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo...!!!" Seto moaned as his worst fear danced around him as if sacrificing him to the pagan gods...  
  
Funny Bunny!!!  
  
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××  
  
Okay, I'm gonna end it here, partially because I'm getting freaked out by the visuals I just concocted and partially because I think I wrote too much. I'd reeeeeeeeeally like it if someone drew the last scene (hint, hint)! Why not me, you ask? 'Cus I'm too lazy, hah!!! Ta-ta for now and stuff, and don't forget to REVIEW!!! Oh, and email me ideas for the next chapter at chocolate_cathe@mad.scientist.com. Whee!!! ^_______^  
  
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NOTES ×  
  
[1] Happosai! The pantie-stealing, tit-glomper of Ranma ½!  
  
[2] Translation: "Just a stupid tape recorder. Looks like some of their friends are around."  
  
[3] Uhh... I know like, next to nothing about ballet and I'm not reeeeeeeeally sure I got the terms right, eh heh heh... so like, if I've made a mistake, review and tell me and make me look stupid! ^_^  
  
[4] Well he's one of MY favorite characters... for some reason, not many people like mimes --;; I'm missing something, ain't I?  
  
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××  
  
-Wook! A button! Cwick on it, lesshee what it do!!!-  
  
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V 


	4. Ryou has multiple personalities, whodath...

TITLE × Road Trip, Cheese, and Breathing on the Glass  
RATING × R for language  
GENRE × Humor  
SUMMARY × For some reason, Yugi and friends are traveling to California (don't ask how so in only an SUV). Hilarity (or lack thereof) ensues.  
WARNINGS × Shounen ai, stupidity, a hint of random, very OOC-ness, it could be AU, and everyone-bashing. Yay.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE ×××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××  
  
La la la la la... yes, I have nothing to say XP  
  
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××  
  
DISCLAIMER × Here's a list of things I don't own but I've used a line/idea/its name/its product in my fic so far: Yu-Gi-Oh!, California (the song by Phantom Planet, not the state, though I don't own that, too), Laughing Cow Brand spread cheese, Sixth Sense, Tiny Toons, Kmart, Duel Monsters, Tenchi Muyo/Universe/in Tokyo, McDonald's, Good Burger, Scooby-Doo, Digimon, the Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales, the Flintstones, Dexter's Laboratory, the Powerpuff Girls, Charlie's Angels, Ranma ½, Pampers Pull-Ups, Fanta, Raggedy Ann, Playgirl, Funny Bunny (yes, I'm treating it like something other than Yu-Gi-Oh!), Ren & Stimpy, Drew Carey, the Three Stooges, Mr. Rogers, Looney Tunes, the Animaniacs, Harry Potter, Pokémon (didn't I say that already? o.O), nor Lewis Carroll. And if you can name all the times I've used a line/idea/its name/its product in my fic so far, I'll let you a little cameo here, but beware, you will be very very very very uhh... disliked.  
  
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××  
  
In the last chapter of Road Trip!!! (Shceeeww d-rum da dum dum waaaaaam!!! [1])  
  
Everybody but Tristan goes to their room, Seto falls down a hole in the corridor, Joey goes off looking for food, Tristan reads a book and gets stuck on a word, Yugi goes missing in the middle of the night, Téa, Ryou, and Mokuba get abducted by gargoyles and escape, and Seto is stuck in the middle of a phantasm. Yay! No flashbackies!  
  
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××  
  
"Hah hah hah!!!" cried the overzealous... guy. "Hah hah hah!!! I SHALL have my revenge!!! In fact!!! I'll have it NOW!!! Hah hah hah!!!"  
  
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××  
  
Since the last time we've checked on him, Tristan had wandered out of the basement and was now hobbling up a flight of stairs, holding tightly onto the banister for support. So far, he's traveled up five floors, deciding to emerge onto the seventh floor because of the suppositional lucky properties of the corresponding number.  
  
Suddenly! A blast of white dust sheathed the boy, spreading out broadly over the steps.  
  
"Aaaaaaaaaah!!!" cried Tristan. "Anthraaaaaax!!!" He stumbled over his own feet in trying to avoid the motes and fell down, down, down the stairs, bonking his head on every step. Bonk! Bonk! Bonk! Bonk! Bonk! Bonk! Bonk! Good thing the helmet of gel and spray on his pate protected it or else it would've split open and rained blood and gush and brains all over the steps and the next person that came by would hafta clean it all up and that wouldn't be very salubrious, would it?  
  
Once the dust completely surrounded the boy, blocking any spectators from perceiving even the faintest outline of his body, it disappeared as posthaste as it arose, reveiling no sign of Tristan Taylor, except for...  
  
THE CUTEST LITTLE CHOCOLATE-BROWN KITTEN EVERRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! peeking out from an overturned copy of Stinky Cheese.  
  
".........mew?" it mewled discomfittedly.  
  
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××  
  
"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?!"  
  
"No."  
  
"Just teeeeeeeeeeeell! Please, please?!"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Aww!!! I'll be, like, fo'evah gratefoo!!!"  
  
Yami Bakura turned disgruntledly to the groveling Joey beside him.  
  
"What part of 'no' do you not understand?! No, I will not tell you that I acquired the Kunai with Chain through intervention of the Shadow Realm!!!" he shouted.  
  
Joey crossed his arms and pouted. "Why noooooooooooooot?! I--wait... waiddaminute..."  
  
Worried was Yami Bakura. 'How did Ryou locate such stupidity incarnates?!'  
  
"Oooh!" exclaimed Joey, clapping his hands in glee. "I get it now... I dink!" He got smacked by Bakura. "Owwies!"  
  
The rest of the promenade continued in silence, until they reached a dead-end, the only way out being a door marked 'STAIRS.'  
  
"Whadda way'rd h'tel! Da rest o' da hotel looks lahk shiet but dis door's lahk new! Should we entah?" Joey wondered aloud.  
  
"Why not? I don't want to go back to those gargoyles," Yami Bakura said in a low voice, mentally adding, 'The old, wrinkled one was trying to cop a feel! Ugh!!! And can I STAND any more wasted time with this bumbling blonde?! I sure hope stupidity ain't contagious. Wait! I just said 'ain't!' Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck...'  
  
"Gak--! What wuz dat?!" Joey blurted out, whirling around.  
  
Annoyed at his partner's interruption on his unvocalized soliloquy, Bakura smacked him again. "Shut UP!" He pushed open the door and started up the stairs.  
  
"Dang! Lookit all dem stay-uhs! Haven't dey evah hoird o' el'vatahs?!"  
  
"Grr..." The yami tried not to smack him again, for fear he would get immune from the pain. 'But then again, can he even feel it?' He started up the stairs and stumbled when he heard an agony-tainted yowl.  
  
"Kitty!" Joey cooed, scooping up the Tristan-feline whose tail Bakura had stepped on. "Aww... ain't KITTY ado'able?!" He said, as Tristan burrowed languidly into the warm arms.  
  
"What's this...? 'The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales,'" read Bakura, scoffing at the triviality of the title. Tristan let out an overprotective wail. "Looks like THIS belongs to KITTY." He spat out the word 'kitty' as if it were a loogey or tobacco juice.  
  
"Oh! Dat wuz Tristan's fav'rahte book when he wuz a kid." After a moment, Joey added, "I dink it steel is!"  
  
"Whatever. It's probably his cat or something. We'll have it for dinner," the other boy said in an oily drawl as he thrusted the tome at the blond haughtily and began to ascend the stairs.  
  
"WHAT?! DINNER?! Of somedahng as kee-yoot as dis?!" Joey chased after him angrily, ready to argue the subject to bits.  
  
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××  
  
"La la la la la!" It was a happy-happy-joy-joy day, and Ryou, Mokuba, and Téa were skipping up a lovely sunlit garden path. Mokuba was leading, with Ryou next, and Téa bringing up the rear.  
  
"La la la la la!" they sang again in an eerily cheerful voice.  
  
"Let's go LEFT!" they all said at the same time when reaching a corner in which the only way you could go was left.  
  
"Jinx!" they all said simultaneously. Then they giggled obnoxiously.  
  
"Double jinx!" they said, again in unison. They giggled more.  
  
After a few moments of pure, golden silence...  
  
"Once twice double triple jinx with sugar babies on top!!!' Giggles. And the jinxing continued.  
  
To one spectating in this asinine pastime, the three teenagers were either mad or frivolously wasted. (Or they could've been on the set of Drew Carey's, but that wasn't the case.) Anyways, to attain a state of mind as cloddish as this would be--debatedly--difficult, but it had happened to the poor trine and here's how it did...  
  
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××  
  
"Hey, wait for me!" Téa ran after Ryou and Mokuba in escaping from the hold of the gargoyles.  
  
"You're so slow! Hurry up!" Ryou yelled.  
  
"Did you even APPRECIATE my moves?!"  
  
Ryou gritted his teeth and braced himself for some kind of overenthusiastic display of affection. "Yes."  
  
"OH RYOU!!!" Ryou fell on his face as Téa head-glomped him from behind. They landed in a compromising position that, if Kaiba had not restricted Mokuba's Internet use, would get him, let's say, pondering.  
  
"Hey, you two, stop fooling around! We have gargoyles to--WHOA!!!"  
  
The floor wrenched beneath the weight of the three stooges, and yielded, dropping them into the garden you see now.  
  
Unfortunately, it turned out to be a garden maze.  
  
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××  
  
After 10 hours of rambling uselessly around the labryinth, with a fixed sun in the noon slot, throwing violently searing rays at the poor trio's backs, and the 20-feet-high hedges gave no shade to appease said backs, wouldn't you crack, too? And to make it worse...  
  
"Stop there, you three!"  
  
"Who were singing terribly!"  
  
Para and Dox somersaulted out of the air (looking absolutely stupid, I might add) and landed in front of the trio with a idiotic "HEEEEI-YAH!!!"  
  
Ryou and Téa and Mokuba yawned and looked bored.  
  
"To get past, you must defeat us in a duel!"  
  
"So which two of you would you use as fuel?!"  
  
"...Huh?!" The two older kids began to turn back to normal (Mokuba was never normal.)  
  
"You, brother, cannot rhyme for shit!"  
  
"Well, give me better words then, you misfit!"  
  
"SHUT UP!!!" Ryou began his transformation from Mr. Rogers to perma-PMS incarnate.  
  
"What, are YOU to fight us, squirt?"  
  
"Hah! Take a laugh at the little twerp!"  
  
"Please do not make me, for my sides will burst!"  
  
"Not if MY sides do so first!"  
  
"Grr..." A big red ugly stupid-looking vein began floating above Ryou's head. "STOP MAKING FUN OF ME!!!"  
  
"Catfight," Téa whispered to Mokuba happily, which Mokuba didn't get, but pretended to.  
  
Lividly, Ryou pounced on the twins and, with the help of his French-manicured nails and his Listerine-pretty pearly whites, he bludgeoned and gashed them to near-death.  
  
"Ooooooooooh!!!" Téa and Mokuba cringed as Para's head was bashed into the hard-packed dirt, sending flurries of dust into flight.  
  
"Aaaaaaaaaah!!!" Téa and Mokuba cringed again as all of Dox's elbows and knees somehow barreled into his groin.  
  
"Uuuuuuuugh...!!!" Para and Dox groaned painfully.  
  
After a few minutes...  
  
"Let's go now!" Ryou chirped happily, stepping over the battered, bloody mess on the floor. He tucked a loose strand of ivory behind his ear effeminately and continued down the corridor.  
  
"..........." Mokuba and Téa glanced at each other, shrugged, and hurried after the sashaying bishounen.  
  
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××  
  
"Nooo... get your hands off me, you stupid bunny... No... don't--you CAN'T!!!" Seto's lids flew up, revealing bloodshot, fear-widened eyes. "It was..." His chest heaved with throat-tearing sobs. "...a dream... just a dream..."  
  
"Whatchas dream?" asked an annoying, puerile voice.  
  
"Y-yugi?!!" Seto sat up to meet face to face with... yes, you guessed it--Tweety Bird! No, it really is Yugi, tied up in twine so his knees met his chin, so sorry, Seto/Yugi fans, them lips can't meet without some difficulty.  
  
"I heard you says 'bunny!' What's so scary abouts a bunny?"  
  
Kaiba retaliated the question with one of his own. "Who tied you up?" That did it. Seto leaned back with a relieved sigh as Yugi began ranting.  
  
"That bitch of a yami! Geesh, you'ds think he wouldn'ts be so friggin's sensitive at us leavin's him at behind, the shit!"  
  
Kaiba reeled back, bug-eyed at Yugi's uncharacteristic use of language.  
  
"Y'know whats he did?! Y'KNOW WHATS?! This WHOLE mansion's his invention! He's playin' us likes we're in some weirded-outs dollhouse of his!"  
  
'That explained the dream,' Seto thought.  
  
"He was the one mades Tristan fall down the porch on purpose! He was the one who mades you drop down in that corridor! And of course, the food was--"  
  
"Wait, wait, wait... how do you know all this?"  
  
Yugi inhaled sharply, unprepared at the interruption. "Well, like the usual stupid crackpot villain, he captured me and while he worked his magic (ewws, that wasn'ts well thought out) he told me EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING!"  
  
"I see..." murmured Kaiba, nodding his head knowingly. He jotted down something on a clipboard and pushed his horn-rimmed glasses higher on the bridge of his nose. "Where do you think everyone is now?"  
  
Yugi, lying down on a burgundy-colored sofa, unlaced his fingers and began gesturing animatedly, his long black ears waving. "Well, Doctor Scratchandsniff, now everyone is... hey wait a minutes..."  
  
The two looked down at themselves and shuddered. There was a flash and they were back in their regular clothes.  
  
"Damn yami's playin' us agains. Gah--! I'm still tied up! Anyways, Tristan's turned into a cat, you're with me in a broom closet, Joey gots lost lookin's for food, and Yami was gonnas sic Para ands Dox on Téa, Ryou, and your brother. That's all I found outs, then he dropped me here."  
  
"Hmm."  
  
There was an awkward silence. Finally, Yugi spoke up.  
  
"Uh, mind getting me outtas these ropes?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
There was another awkward silence, which, after several awkward seconds, it was awkwardly broken by an awkward hatchet whose handle fell awkwardly on Seto's head, knocking him out, and whose sharp edge cut awkwardly through Yugi's binds.  
  
"Wow, never thought I'd say this but," Yugi took a breath and shook off the ropes that weren't already shaken off before looking up paranoidly and continuing, "Thanks."  
  
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××  
  
"Damn, I'm getting soft." Yami shook his head, flinging his spiky blonde bangs every which way. He managed a weak laugh (hah hah hah!!!) before fiddling around with the controls on the demo author control panel he had bought from an amateur fanfiction writer in a dark alley in Chinatown. "Hmm... let's have a reunion, shall we... yes... HAH HAH HAH!!!"  
  
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××  
  
"Tinky Winky! Dipsy! Lala! Po! Teletubbies! Teletubbie! Say! Heh! Lo! Eh-oh!!!" Mokuba sang annoyingly.  
  
"Isn't that ROMANTIC, Ryou?" Téa cooed.  
  
"Uh, no."  
  
"C'mon, admit it! It's soooo sweet!"  
  
Ryou was now VERY VERY worried about the sanity of his two partners. "CUTE?! TÉA!!!" He sighed, then continued in a lower voice. "Téa, you reeeeeeeeeally need to have your priorities sorted." He turned to the girl and facefaulted when he saw she had ignored him since long ago and was now singing along with Mokuba.  
  
"Dammit! Someone hates me up there..." Ryou shook his fist senilely at the sky and when that didn't result in anything significant, he released his frustration on one of the many pebbles lining the path. It bounced away and dropped down a hole and hit a latch which activated a lever which turned a wheel that pulled a string that released a platform that let out a bunch of rocks and stuff that fell down towards Ryou, Téa, and Mokuba but missed and made a biiiiiiig hole that they fell into.  
  
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!" they said stupidly as they fell, but nobody was around to hear them, but that was just as well because they don't matter up to anything anyways.  
  
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××  
  
Yugi grunted at each step, staggering under the weight of Seto's body. He dropped the burden to wipe his brow and noticed something in the distance.  
  
"An exit!" he gasped, and indeed it was. A metal door sat lumpily at the end of the hallway, light seeping through the space between the door and its jamb. Yugi leapt for joy, but unfortunately he was too short to bonk his head on the wall and hurt himself. "Kaiba! Kaiba, wake up!!! I found an exit!" He shook the older boy but failed to make him do anything else but groan. "Grr!!!" Yugi gripped Seto's collar and started pulling him difficultly towards the door.  
  
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××  
  
"OW!!!" said Ryou, Téa, and Mokuba as they fell on a VERY VERY hard surface [2]. Thank Ra their fall was alleviated slightly by Joey, Bakura, and Tristan.  
  
"OW!!!" they said.  
  
Then they all sat up and looked at each funnily.  
  
The silence was broken when Téa noticed the cat. "Kitty!" she cried, and reached for Tristan, who walked uncertainly into her range. "Oh, she's so cute!" Téa said, hugging him tightly so he couldn't breathe.  
  
"She?! It's a he!" Joey cried indignantly.  
  
"She!"  
  
"He!"  
  
"Nuh uh!"  
  
"Uh huh!"  
  
"Nuh uh!"  
  
"Uh huh!"  
  
"Nuh uh!"  
  
"Uh huh!"  
  
"Nuh uh!"  
  
"Uh huh!"  
  
"SHUT UP!!!" yelled Bakura, slapping Joey upside the head. He blacked out.  
  
"..." Ryou, being more gentle (haha, riiiiiight), only poked one of Téa's pressure points. She blacked out.  
  
"Great, how we gonna carry them?" asked Mokuba.  
  
"Uhh..."  
  
"OW!!!" said Bakura as the floor door [3] hit him VERY VERY hard on the head when it flew open. He blacked out.  
  
"Big brother!!!" Mokuba flew into Seto's arms, then realized that Seto was blacked out.  
  
Yugi plopped himself down next to Ryou, his chest heaving for breath. "Damn... *puff* Kaiba... *puff* is heavy *puff*!!!" He blacked out.  
  
After a VERY VERY long silence, Ryou said: "Great, how are we gonna carry them all?"  
  
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××  
  
NOTES ×  
  
[1] My rendition of that thing that goes on when it happens on the dub... "On the last episode of Yu-Gi-Oh..." Yes, I'm 'tupid.  
  
[2] As for where they landed... y'know sometimes, between flights of stairs, there's at least some space where you get out onto the floor? Yeah, there.  
  
[3] See footnote [2].  
  
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If you don't review, I'll sic Joey on you!!!  
  
Joey: Bark. Click on the purple button. Bark. 


	5. OH MY GOD! Tristan and Bakura GONE!

TITLE × Road Trip, Cheese, and Breathing on the Glass  
RATING × R for language  
GENRE × Humor  
SUMMARY × For some reason, Yugi and friends are traveling to California (don't ask how so in only an SUV). Hilarity (or lack thereof) ensues.  
WARNINGS × Shounen ai, stupidity, a hint of random, very OOC-ness, it could be AU, and everyone-bashing. Yay.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE ×××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××  
  
A/N: WOW!!! I ACTUALLY WROTE FOUR CHAPTERS!!! And here's a lame excuse for the loooooooooooong hiatus (besides school, that is)... I couldn't find my files!!! And then I figured out, see them on FFN!!! And I did, and I read them, and I was like, WOW I WROTE THOSE?! And then I finally figured out, that my files weren't on my CD as I thought they were, they were on my computer all along! In my long-forgotten homework folder! BWAH!!! I am such a dork...  
  
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××  
  
DISCLAIMER × I own... YOU!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! ...Okay, maybe I don't :( But may I?  
  
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××  
  
"Why me?" Ryou thought aloud.  
  
"'Cus I can't do it, and so don't Kitty!" replied Mokuba. Tristan purred from his position on his lap as Mokuba played fondly with his ear.  
  
The boy was sitting on Yugi, none too gently, who was piled up on Téa, Yami Bakura, Joey, and Seto (in that order) who were all pulled along by Ryou on a rusty, paint-flecked wagon they had found in a nursery the floor before. Ryou rolled his eyes at Mokuba's retort and continued pulling.  
  
Many doors were passed, and many turns turned. The few paintings on the wall depicted dismal scenes of crematoria and their contents, or an otherwise happy painting turned wrong. Ryou noted one portrait of a lovely young lady, smiling, hands crossed on lap, as 'cute--oh wait, what's that on her nose?! LIKE, EEEEWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'  
  
"What, Ryou?" Mokuba wondered, as Ryou had said his thoughts out loud, the stupid freak.  
  
"NOTHING!!!"  
  
And this went on until they reached a happy little room, bare of anything, not even dusts, for this was the happy little room in which I will probably end the sad little excuse of a 'haunted house' arc. YAY!!!  
  
And Ryou said,  
"Let's stop here, and take a rest."  
  
And Mokuba said,  
"Okay."  
  
The End.  
  
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!!!" yelled Seto, pushing out between the 'T' and 'h'. "This CAN'T end! We haven't found Tristan or Yami!"  
  
Sigh. Okay.  
  
And then, from the floor, floated YAMI!!!  
  
"MUAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAH!!!" Yami laughed stupidly like the stupid stupid he is. Everyone woke up at the blatant stupid-ness.  
  
"Yami! It's you, bastard!" cried Yugi.  
  
"Huh? What do you mean...? What's wrong with Yami?" asked Téa.  
  
"He's the butt of this whole fic, that's why! Oh, AND he's the reason we'res stuck in this hellhole!"  
  
"Call it whatever you wish," Yami glared at his aibou before continueing. "It's not my fault actually, it's all HIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" And he pointed at...  
  
Kitty!  
  
"Mew...?"  
  
Joey laughed. "Wadd'ya mean, it's Kitty's fault?! I mean, he's just Kitty!"  
  
"It's not Kitty--it's Tristan."  
  
"WHAAA-AAA-AAAT?!"  
  
Yami took a butcher-knife out of his jacket and picked up Tristan.  
  
"Whatcha gon' do-HEY!!!"  
  
SLICE!!!  
  
A kitten's arm fell to the floor and Tristan turned back into... well, Tristan. A naked Tristan... with his clothes lying at his feet. Because Yami's evil... and because I wanted to picture it.  
  
"Gahh!" Tristan hurried to pick up his trenchcoat and cover himself, but he wasn't fast enough for me-um, them. Then he noticed his armless state. "Heey... Yami, d'you know how much that hurt?! Geez."  
  
"Why aren't you feeling any pain?!" Yami cried. "Oh... yeah..." He took a remote control out of his jacket and pressed the button on it.  
  
"What's tha-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGHHH!!!" Tristan fell to the floor, moaning in pain and clutching the bleeding stump on his shoulder.  
  
Joey fell to his best friend's side. "Tristan! Are you okay?!" he cried worriedly as the world's smallest violin played.  
  
"My ankle's turned, I just came back from being a kitten, I'm naked, my arm's been chopped off... AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE MY STINKY CHEESE IS!!! Of course I'm okay..." Tristan joked, sweat beading on his forehead. He groaned, spasmed, and clutched his coat harder. "Everything's going dark..."  
  
"Don't wo'y, ol' buddy... I'm hay'r by yo' sahde..."  
  
And the rest of them was... just there. Singing Copacobana. And... umm... drinking screwdrivers. Pullman screwdrivers. And then they regained their senses because Cathe suddenly realised their existence.  
  
"How could you, Yami! AND I was gonna offer you myself!" Téa cried, moved.  
  
Yami stuttered, "Wha-what?" Then he zoned out for a while.  
  
After a veeery awkward silence...  
  
"WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT?! I meant in sacrifice to let these people go!" she yelled in his face.  
  
"...Oh. I knew that, really!"  
  
Téa glared at him, but she wasn't really glaring, she was mentally undressing him! YEAH!!!  
  
Yami said, "I will now destroy you all..." and he giggled madly.  
  
Ryou stepped stonily toward him. "How... how could you terrorise us as a form of entertainment..."  
  
Seto followed. "Our feelings are not ones to be trifled with..."  
  
"WE WILL DESTROY YOU!!!" Yami Bakura jumped towards the porcupine-headed spirit, who teleported above him.  
  
Squish went Bakura. That's how gravity works.  
  
"Bakura!" yelled Ryou, as a dark hole swallowed him up. "Where did you put him, you monster?!"  
  
"It's called a laundry chute, Ryou. They chute laundry."  
  
"Bakura is not laundry! Well, sometimes he has the intelligence quotient of a load, but he's not laundry!!!"  
  
Yami shrugged as Ryou began desperately tapped the floor looking for the "chute". Now, which ones of you shall I torture next?  
  
"Eep!" Téa and Mokuba hid behind Seto.  
  
"Eenie meenie minie mo! Catch a Kuriboh by the toe! When it squeaks, don't let it go, eenie meeni minie mo! Ahah! Seto!"  
  
No duh, Yami. He was the only one you were pointing at.  
  
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" shrieked Seto. "Wait... what ARE you going to do to me?"  
  
"Let me think. Oh, I know! Steal your estate and all your greens and make you my sex slave!"  
  
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" Seto hid behind Téa.  
  
"Or YOU can be my sex slave..." Yami eyed Téa, who walked up to him and slapped him.  
  
"Pervert! So this whole thing is just to get back at Tristan and to make us sex slaves?! OLD GEEZER!!!" Slap, slap.  
  
"Ow!" Yami held his reddened face. "You idiot, what was that for!!!" He stomped over to Téa when suddenly, a shadow fell over him.  
  
"YAMI. YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS."  
  
"Yes!" cried Téa. "Yugi has transformed into Yami, but not just ANY Yami, he's CANTONESE FIRST SERIES YAMI YUGI, YAO HEI WONG!!! EXCEPT SPEAKING ENGLISH BECAUSE CATHE CAN'T SPEAK CANTONESE, JUST UNDERSTAND IT!!! YAAAAAAAAY!!!" And she put on a cheerleading suit and began cheerleading.  
  
Yao Hei Wong stood ominously behind Yami Yugi. "It's time to play a game."  
  
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××  
  
Téa: ...what's with Yao Hei Wong...?  
  
Cathe: He's the coolest! HE IS SUPERIOR TO ALL YAMI YUGIS!!! NO MATTER WHAT LANGUAGE!!!  
  
Téa: T_T;  
  
Joey: WOOF WOOF! REVIEW AN' STUFF! 


End file.
